Too legit to quit.

Abdi, my Somalian colleague once asked me in my 1st year this question:

"When would you say that you're satisfied with your life? like say - 'aahhh I've lived a good life' to yourself?"

And back then, I didn't have an answer. I mean, someone said something along the lines of 'when I have a stable income, a family and successful children'. Someone else said something like 'when I look out from the patio of my penthouse that overlooks a quiet private beach'. Or 'when I drive a striking red Ferrari'.. You know, textbook answers? But back then I really couldn't answer the question. I mean, a job/family/car isn't that a given? I mean, everybody wants them and everybody works to get them, but once you get them, what then? Do you give up looking for more?

Now I'm in my 5th year of medschool. I was crossing the street some time last week near Queen St when a thought suddenly struck me; I know my answer! Four years later, Abdi, I have figured out my answer. For me, the time when my aim in life will be achieved is when people talk about me, it involves the use of the article 'THE' in front, in a positive context. A conversation between two strangers would be:

A: What does Ili think of this?
B: Which Ili?
A: You know, the Ili. There's only that one whose opinion matters in this.

Yes, that is nascissm at it's best (or worst, depending on how you look at it ><) Feel free to hate me. Feel free to disagree, but when I see MY opinions materializing even when you blatantly pretend to shut me down when I say them to you, I laugh at you because I know you know I am right. At times like these, I do believe I'm too legit to quit (Cue MC Hammer 2legit2quit song here).

i am seriously shaking with anger right now. like honestly. i haven't been this angry in YEARS. i feel like the hot headed teenager is was before.

breathe... ili, just breathe...

Is this what 'modernizing' really means?

"Ko ni ape susah? Ko pakai je la tudung! Sekarang ni ramai pompuan pakai tudung sebab nak cover love bite okay?!??" - Quote from the movie 'Aku Masih Dara' 2010

Seriously, what has Malaysia come to? What happened to all the culture of modesty and humility? What happened to RELIGION? I'm not that pious of a person myself, but I think I know enough to know that this is SO wrong. If people like this go out and make babies and become parents (which is likely since most also practice extra-marital sex like a sport), what will become of those children? Growing up with parents like these? What happens when it's their turn to become the leaders of the country? I'd hate to even begin to imagine that.

I know we need to expand our mentality in a lot of ways, but putting aside one's religion isn't one of them. There are lots more to the Western culture that we can take, like chivalry, for example, that has been long gone in Malaysia, in my opinion. Why choose this hedonistic pursuit? What good does it bring? Other than the expanding alcohol industry and STIs?

A dream's monologue

I hear my name being called. A sound so faint in the distance that I almost dismmissed it as the passing wind. But I didn't because I know it isn't the wind. And then I hear it again, always the same, always that familiar unsure tone. That yearning, desperate call for my embrace. And I ache each time I hear her call, this same ache in the core of my existence for you see, I do not exist without her. And I can just vanish into tiny particles of the universe if she wills me to. But she has not. Because we both know that one day, she will find me. All this wait and pain will be worth it because she will see me. She will embrace me, as I will her.

So yes, today, again, I hear her call. But she knows that I cannot go to her, she must find me. That's just how these things work. As much as I want us to be together, I am stuck here. Chained to this spot where I hide. That girl, the girl who calls for me, she's lost. She's on a path that is leading her to where she doesn't want to be, to another, like me, but will never be able fulfill her as I can. She knows this, I know this. So she continues to look for another path that would one day lead her to me, but that path too, is hidden from her. Her vision, her judgement is clouded with distractions of what is expected of her, her sense of responsibility to parties other than herself. It is for these distractions that she has put her search for me on the shelf, to dust, hoping that her yearning for me will disappear with the time. This hurts me, of course, but the fact that I still exist today proves that she still wants to find me, deep down, she does. Like I said, I can disappear if she wants me to. But I'm still here. And I'm still waiting, because SHE is still searching.

Although she may not know this, I know her heart more than anyone else out simply because that heart of hers is where I came from. Yes, that complicated mind and confused heart were what created me. And because of this, I know that she is hurting each every day that her search for me ends in vain. I feel sorry that she now has to work hard to achieve something that will never satisfy her, because it will not be ME.

Today, unlike every other day, I answer her call. I am crying this soundless scream. I want her to know that I can see her. Very clearly. I am sorry that I just keep watching her helplessly, even when I understand her yearning. And that I am still wating. Waiting to be seen. Waiting for the day that she finds that path that will lead her to me. Untill that day comes, I will continue to just... exist. As a dream, waiting to be realized.

i have fallen in love.....

....... with a CARTOON CHARACTER! (haaakkhhh gotcha! ><)

yes, at the age of 24, I am in love with Flynn Rider (the dude in Disney's Tangled).. oh and also, I'm in love with this song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uw6q5189kpc&feature=related

If I ever get married, I want this as my wedding song!! It gives me goosebumps (the good kind, not the eerie kind) every time I hear this song.. Who knew Chuck (ie Zachary Levi) could carry a decent tune right?

The hardest part is..

Do you want to know what the hardest part about being abroad/away is? Well... at the moment - it's FOOD CRAVINGS!! and being stuck in tiny misty grey Aberystwyth, I get that A LOT! As people on a constant diet can confirm, dealing with cravings takes a whole lot of determination and control.. But then again, being geographically challenged with no car of my own, it may be slightly easier to not have to give in to such wanting.. XD

Okay, seriously now.. what IS the hardest part I find about being away?

It's the sense of missing out on life

You always feel that you're missing in family pictures, friend's weddings, birthdays, vacations.. you name it. Sometimes it feels like other people go through milestones of their lives and you're an outsider, knowing about such things through Facebook/Twitter. And the worst part is, not only are you physically not included, not able to share the moment, you may also eventually lose touch with the person.. and when you come back home once a year you find huge gaps in your conversations and things become awkward for some reason. Like you no longer have things in common anymore. and then you just drop out of each others' lives because it's no longer comfortable to be around each other...

Sad isn't it? You feel that people move on. People replace you. Like all you are is just some furniture in their lives that they can just 'replace'. Oh well, I chose to be here. And I don't regret it at all. But it's still sad..

Homeward bound~~

Yes, people - it's THAT time of year again!! Summer holidays are FINALLY coming and after tomorrow (hauntingly gruesome Final Simulation assessment) I will be counting the hours till I'm back on Malaysian soil!!

Heck yeah! It's been such an incredibly LONG year - 11 freaking months with only 2weeks break for Christmas and 10 days post-exam throughout the entire time... a few mental breakdowns and running aways... I am SO glad for this break. I am tired. Drained. I'm hoping this 2months at home will rest my mind and inspire me into medicine (and life in general) again...

27th July 2010 - Here I come~

=)