Let Me Hear Your Voice~

With regards to my previous post, my mood is now lifted by a new single released just today by my favourite kpop band, Big Bang.. well the song is Japanese and I have no idea what it means (altho i think it may have smth to do with breakups n yearning for the lost love =P) the MV is beautifully done and the song just sounds so... beautiful.. very Big Bang, just the way I love them =) coming back to watch this definitely made my day and I'm feeling better already...

the black hole that is myself..

I do not want to be here... simply that.. there is no where else I'd rather be but still I do not wish to be where I am, both geographically and metaphorically in life... so until I decide where I'd want to be, I am stuck in this black hole in myself that sucks the livelihood out of me at an increasing amount day by day..

of labour and Jimmy Choos..

Okay, so I'm now doing my Obs + Gynae block, had my labour week last week.. as much as I hate O+G, I found ONE thing I actually really like in Obstetrics.. and NO, it's not the little screaming thing coming out at the end of it all making all hearts stop and start back again in a flurry.. nope, not the baby~ If I wanted to see babies, I'd be better off being a Neonatal specialist, I'd see them everyday! The thing that does it for me in Obstetrics is the helplessness in the men by the bed side, not knowing what to do everytime they watch the women they love in agonizing pain that they in part were responsible for.. Every scream renders a worried/pained look on their faces and they offer they're hand to be of some comfort.. I've seen a man offering a shopping spree, then a Chloe handbag then a pair of Jimmy Choos in the midst of all the helplessness and inadequacy they feel.. hahaha The scene is so incredibly common (well, not the Jimmy Choos, he's one in a million!) and emasculating to some degree that it appeals to my narcissistic nature very much~ well, it's not that I enjoy the pain of others, it's just that rarely do men let their emotions take control and they never let situations rule them as they sat/stood helpless on the side just watching and praying that everything will be alright.. It's a sight for all the feminist out there =)

That said, I know deep down in me core that as helpless as these men may feel they are, their women NEED them there. Even if it's just to offer a glass of water or a hand to hold or a stroke on the back.. These women in labour hold on to nothing more than their partners being there for them.. I may sound like a cynic, but a part of me envies these women who actually have a man of their own who would stand being cursed/sreamed at as they watch their partners going through hell to give birth to their future together....

Shoud I fake passion?

have you ever wondered how u got to where u r in life? i mean did u one day years ago decided to plan your life's path and have been walking on it ever since? or did u just happen to wander from one point to another unknowingly then suddenly realised you're 10years older, doing a degree rather half-heartedly just bcoz it's a social norm to hv a degree and get a job? i think for me, it's definitely the latter... and the fact that the degree is a MEDICAL degree which basically liscences me to be responsible for the lives of others, to think that i dun really technically have the passion to even finish this degree, it scares me. how can i, this passionless uninterested person be responsible for others?

don't get me wrong, i can't imgaine myself doing anything else just because I really cannot think of anything I would be good at. I mean, I can't sing/dance/act/draw/paint/compose/play musial instrument so that means no ARTS or MUSIC for me. Neither am I a very athletic person.. I mean, I used to run a bit in school but that was way back when so doesn't really count. I hate math n everything associated with it. So really, what else is there out there for me? I'm not going to work in a cubicle in a huge office building sitting at my desk in front of my computer all day long, too sedentary for me...

whenevr I watch movies like Fame or Save The Last Dance, u know movies about going after ur dream it makes me think "what was your dream?" I nvr really had any.. I just wanted to be good at whatever I'll end up doing. But that's a given, since all those who know me will know that I will never do something I am not good at.

So where does that leave me now? I am walking, no more like wandering, through life rather aimlessly... shoud I fake passion for me to have more meaning to my existence? but I guess life wud be a lot easier if I've never stop to wonder about this.. now that I will be a doctor pretty soon, I guess I shud at least try to be a good one.. since I seem to only have a slight 'passion' to being good at everything I do.. funny how i havent concluded that I shud have a passion for medicine instead which wud have been the more noble option.. Guess I'm not a noble person then...