I was thinking the other day as I was talking to Iain,

"if we can create problems in our mind and will it somehow to become our reality, can we un-create it?"

Iain: Well, we should be able to, shoudn't we? I would think, by principle, we should. If we can create something, we can destroy it

But doesn't it occur to anyone else that it doesn't really work that way in reality? I mean, I think everyone creates a degree of drama in their mind to keep their lives interesting, thus live-able.. Some may do it coz they're bored. Some may do it to feel 'normal' (well, what's 'normal' constitutes a whole other discussion, so I'll leave it at that). Some may do it to feel exactly NOT normal, just to want to be different.. So whatever the reason may be, my point is, people do it. All the time..

But what if what was created gets tangled with what's real? Won't the mind be confused? If it does, then either everything is perceived as made up or more often, everything is perceived as reality. And then what? How do we consciously undo what was done? How do we tell our mind that all these emotions/doubt/anger/hate/loathe are made up and unreal when they feel as real as a prick of a needle on the finger?

I don't have many friends who think about these kind of things, coz most will think it's a waste of time and its all bull crap. But for those of ou who do spend some time of day thinking of the power of the human mind, can anyone answer me?

I need..

I need a reason to fight again...

I need a reason to stay....

I need to find myself again...

I feel like the fire in me is burning out.. Just tired of fighting the wind that's determined to blow me out of existence

Can I just let myself fall? Should I just let go and head into a free fall? Maybe once I've fallen I can pick myself back up again instead of trying desperately to hold on to some form safety because I'm afraid...

But what if I never get back up if I let myself fall?

What if I run and decide never to come back?

I need to feel like I am myself again..

I need to love being myself again..

On placement today, thanks to Iain my partner, I got to witness the coolest thing I've seen in a very long time. The picture above sorta gives a clue... It was SO amazing.

The chosen sperm was initially just swimming around (and yes, I saw it swim!! well, on the screen ofcourse magnified like a trillion times)

Then came this needle that rips off the flagella to stop it moving before sucking it up..

Then suddenly this blob of what I was told was the ovum appeared on screen. It was rotated a bit to get the right position then held in place by something (that huge looking thing on the right)

Then the needle with the sperm head in it came into view, pierces the ovum and then sperm head injected!

Then we wait..

It's amazing that with all this human technology, there's no guarantee that the egg will be fertilised even with the sperm nucleus obviously inserted in. We can just wait... and wait... for nature to run its course.. for Allah to permit that little egg to grow into a human being.. or not.

So whoever claimed that IVF is humans playing god, I don't think that's true. Human can do all we can but in the end, nothing will happen if God doesn't will it to happen. And that's that.

You.

You.

You told me things would never change
That I would never lose my comfort
My safety
My haven

You sheltered me from harm
You dried my tears
You saw the whole of me
with love
with respect
without judgement

Until you met her

You told me things would never change
that I was I
and she was she
and that we are us

But I knew

I knew that I would lose you
despite your promises
despite our past

My email has not changed
My address is still the same
My phone number works fine
and so does Facebook
So tell me, if I hadn't lost you
If I hadn't lost you
Why is it that I never hear from you?

*disclaimer: This was never meant to be a poem. It's a random rant from my tired brain...